choking on my shit

guess it's the time for the annual 2 years bullshit where I feel really depressed. whoooooooa, so excited how this year is going to turn out. Am I finally be able to die? or I'll be here for another 2 years? stay tune to find out.

now I still don't know how I'm supposed to put these feelings into words, cause honestly I'm all over the place. There is really nothing going wrong with my life right now, it just feels so empty.

First, I guess it's a friendship thing. Idk, sometimes I just feel like it doesn't excite me and the other parties anymore. The spark has gone. I've experienced this just a couple of times but it still sucks. I don't really know what I want tbh, I guess if I were to ask they would happily answer, but I don't have anything to ask. Even when I got like 20 messages I just don't feel like replying to them. It's weird tho like I want to be left alone, but also give me attention. I can't make up my mind which one I want.

Second, I guess I just lost interest with everything including music. Which is weird, that's the last thing I thought I'd ever lost interest in. Well, I guess I'm still writing this down now, even if it's just for the sake of ranting. I guess this is how it feels like when they say people with depression can't function normally. Like I just don't care about anything anymore. 

I don't have any third or fourth. This feeling is so weird yet so familiar. Wanting to cry and scream for no reason, but you know people will be concerned if you were to do that so you just swallow it down. I guess that's what I needed, just breaking down like a fucking loser and throw everything out.

I don't know how am I supposed to live this life. If other people could do it why couldn't I? I DONT FUCKING KNOW. I DONT KNOW WHY AM I THIS WAY I DONT KNOW WHY I THINK OR FEEL LIKE THIS. DONT FUCKING ASK ME WHY BECAUSE I DONT FUCKING KNOW. JUST LEAVE ME THE FUCK ALONE.

IF YOU THOUGHT YOU CAN INSULT ME WITH WORDS USELESS, WORTHLESS. THEN YOU DONT HAVE TO FUCKING SAY IT I FUCKING KNOW I AM. I'M THE ONE WHO GOT DISAPPOINTED BY MYSELF THE MOST SO SHUT THE FUCK UP. IF I CAN CHANGE ANYTHING I WOYLD. I WOULD SELL MY FUCKING SOUL TO THE DEVIL JUST SO I CAN LIVE THIS LIFE DIFFERENTLY.

I KNOW IM THE ONE WHO PUSHED EVERYONE AWAY BUT I FEEL SO FUCKING ALONE. AND IM TIRED OF THIS SHIT, I DONT WANNA GO THROUGH THIS ANYMORE. PLEASE. GOD IF YOU'RE REALLY OUT THERE AND AS GENEROUS AS THEY SAY JUST TAKE MY FUCKING LIFE AWAY. AT LEAST IN HELL I WOULDN'T BE SO LOST.